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HowUDoin  
#1 Posted : Sunday, July 04, 2010 3:17:44 AM(UTC)
HowUDoin

Joined: 6/24/2010(UTC)
Posts: 9
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the blackjack dealer.

The player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the blackjack dealer’s fault. In the same way, when I get good cards, the blackjack dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?”

The blackjack dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?” … “Yes” replied the player.

“Well then, he serves you food at dinner; I’m serving you cards at blackjack, so you should tip me.”

“Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. So I’ll take an eight!”
Dancing Dancing Dancing Dancing

Edited by moderator Monday, December 04, 2017 12:39:07 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Editted to make more pleasant to the eye

TheBrain  
#2 Posted : Thursday, July 15, 2010 4:19:21 AM(UTC)
TheBrain

Joined: 6/24/2010(UTC)
Posts: 8
Okay, by buddy told me this joke the other day and I had to pass it on.

A man and his son were loading up their plate's one afternoon at a crowded casino buffet. Suddenly the boy began choking, the father panicking, began to call out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Does anyone know CPR? Is there a Doctor here?" A man from the next table over stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with complete calm in his eyes, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. The quarter popped right out. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a doctor?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Edited by moderator Monday, December 04, 2017 12:38:34 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Editted to make more pleasant to the eye

sharon  
#3 Posted : Friday, August 29, 2014 9:23:59 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Edited by moderator Friday, August 29, 2014 10:39:27 AM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

thanks 1 user thanked sharon for this useful post.
Skyla  
#4 Posted : Friday, August 29, 2014 1:13:57 PM(UTC)
Skyla

Joined: 6/1/2010(UTC)
Posts: 112
Location: US
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says "Yes."

The man replies, "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."

The butcher says "I'm not betting on that."

"But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.

"Yes, I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."
sharon  
#5 Posted : Saturday, August 30, 2014 4:29:15 PM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
LOL that was a good one Skyla. I am looking forward to more jokes. I really love a good laugh hehehee

Edited by user Saturday, August 30, 2014 7:36:10 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

sharon  
#6 Posted : Sunday, August 31, 2014 9:15:44 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
10 signs that you are addicted to Online Bingo:
1. Bingo Support phones you for assistance.
2. When a colleague tells a funny joke you say “LOL” out loud.
3. If you enter a room with more than 23 people in it, you ask management about the size of the Bingo pots.
4. You know your online Bingo friends’ daily activities better than your own spouse’s.
5. When someone asks “What did you say?” you scream “Bingo!”
6. You change your Bingo nickname so often that you have to check your own Bingo profile find out who you are.
7. Before logging it to a Bingo game, you pack a picnic, a flashlight and tent.
8. You spend more time saying good-bye to Bingo friends when logging out of a game than you do saying good-bye to real-life friends when leaving a dinner party.
9. You introduced your shrink to online Bingo and you both are now have your sessions in in private Bingo Chat rooms.
10. Your license plate has your Bingo nickname on it.
sharon  
#7 Posted : Sunday, August 31, 2014 9:18:07 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
Dr. Levi and his wife are enjoying a fine meal when the good doctor’s blackberry starts ringing. Levi answers and his good friend Dr. Franklin is on the other line.
“John, one of our poker regulars dropped out and we need a fourth, get over here,” says Dr. Franklin.
Dr. Levi replies, “I’m on my way” and runs to the door, grabbing his jacket on the way.
His wife, used to this sort of thing says, “Honey is it serious?”
Levi, halfway out the door as if somebody is having a heart attack tell his wife
“Yes darling, very serious. In fact there is a team of doctors there already!”
sharon  
#8 Posted : Sunday, August 31, 2014 9:21:00 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
sharon  
#9 Posted : Wednesday, September 03, 2014 9:50:40 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the Pizza.

sharon  
#10 Posted : Friday, September 05, 2014 9:37:54 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
After a day’s work, a man returns home to find his wife packing a suitcase.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“To Las Vegas!” she says. “My friend told me there are men in Vegas that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!”

The man considers what she’s said, and then begins packing HIS bags.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
sharon  
#11 Posted : Monday, September 08, 2014 9:04:28 AM(UTC)
sharon

Joined: 8/6/2011(UTC)
Posts: 74
I backed a horse today at 20:1; it came in at twenty past four.
Skyla  
#12 Posted : Monday, November 17, 2014 8:16:56 PM(UTC)
Skyla

Joined: 6/1/2010(UTC)
Posts: 112
Location: US
Here's a few sure to make everyone groan Dancing Dancing

What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
Betty

What is the difference between a professional poker player and a dog?
In about 10 years, the dog will quit whining

A man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"

Cheers,
Sky


Graeme  
#13 Posted : Sunday, March 08, 2015 9:14:35 AM(UTC)
Guest

Joined: 4/30/2010(UTC)
Posts: 264
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
kattboots  
#14 Posted : Sunday, March 08, 2015 4:02:04 PM(UTC)
kattboots

Joined: 12/2/2011(UTC)
Posts: 232
What do you call a group of poker players in a basement?

A whine cellar.
Revel  
#15 Posted : Tuesday, March 24, 2015 3:19:20 PM(UTC)
Revel

Joined: 5/24/2010(UTC)
Posts: 27
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:


USER: “casino”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER: “online casino”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER: “1 online casino”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyonlinecasinos”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.


USER: “50BLOODYonlinecasinos”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyOnlineCasinosShovedupYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyOnlineCasinosShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
thanks 1 user thanked Revel for this useful post.
Graeme  
#16 Posted : Monday, June 15, 2015 4:13:36 AM(UTC)
Guest

Joined: 4/30/2010(UTC)
Posts: 264
Random number generation is too important to be left to chance.
thanks 1 user thanked Guest for this useful post.
Mira  
#17 Posted : Wednesday, June 01, 2016 6:05:05 PM(UTC)
Mira

Joined: 5/18/2016(UTC)
Posts: 17
Canada
Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
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Constantin  
#18 Posted : Monday, December 04, 2017 12:46:18 PM(UTC)
Constantin

Joined: 7/2/2011(UTC)
Posts: 607
Romania
Hey Folks,

I have a TIP for you all: How do you know if you're gonna run hot at the tables ?

- Just take your temperature ! If you have fever, well, you're going to run HOT no matter what !

Cheers,
Constantin
thanks 1 user thanked Constantin for this useful post.
Xymox  
#19 Posted : Tuesday, January 16, 2018 7:55:11 AM(UTC)
Guest

Joined: 4/30/2010(UTC)
Posts: 264
You guys are amazing with all that jokes! lol
Dee6977  
#20 Posted : Friday, June 22, 2018 3:14:36 PM(UTC)
Dee6977

Joined: 4/2/2016(UTC)
Posts: 108
What NOT to do when gambling in a casino:

Applause
Don’t ask casino security where the pinball machines are?

Don’t butt into a private high stakes poker tournament game saying “mind if I join in?”

Don’t ask the blackjack dealer if he knows any good card tricks?

Don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice?

Don’t ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker?

Don’t ask the guy next to you if he can break a five?

Don’t ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported from France? Shame on you

Don’t complain to the pitboss about the dealer’s poker face!

Don’t count cards with your fingers and toes!

Don’t flip chips capriciously onto the poker table from 5 feet away and say “let it ride baby”!

Don’t pretend you’re an IRS agent and talk into your sleeve!

Don’t pull out your Hoyle’s rule book when the blackjack dealer says you can’t split an 8th time!

Don’t say Episcopalian when the cashier asks you which denomination you prefer?

Don’t stuff your pockets with big magnets and then play roulette!

Don’t try to psyche out the blackjack dealer by staring at him for 5 minutes.! Anxious

If you lose at Blackjack, don’t say to the dealer, “okay, okay, double or nothing?”

Never wink at the blackjack dealer, especially if he’s the same sex!

When the dealer decides to stand, don’t say “I’m calling’ ya’ yellow’ mister”!

Don’t attempt to buy poker chips using monopoly money!

Brick wall Dancing
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